I'm going to start this entry thanking folks for their recent comments and welcoming words on my recent uploads. I have not been very active at all for the past two years and understand there wasn't much reason to stick around to watch an account gone quiet like mine has. I'm not "leaving the Fandom" because I still enjoy looking at the art and I want to continue participating as well with my own.

Sometimes I look back at my old work and question if it was really me who made it. I wonder where I had the inspiration, where I found the patience to put so much time in to the coloring stage. I want to get back there with that artist.

I've become aware of anxiety interfering with my daily life. Sometimes I spend so much time worrying about doing my best on a project for someone else - obsessing that it HAS to be perfect - I never get my feet off the ground. Then I begin to stress over how long I've had a project in my hands and the length of time the client has gone without a peep from me because I have nothing I deem worthy enough to show them. I worry so much about being labeled a "bad artist", but I haven't been doing enough to put myself back in to good standing with my customers.
I watch so many artists finish their projects.

I've been gradually refunding commissions to the clients I know I can't finish in the time period asked, by smallest amount paid or those projects I've lost interest in. I've been picking at projects I've neglected.

My current commissions/owed trades/all art projects I promised to finish isn't online at this moment after my Deviantart sub ran out. I started putting together a basic, bare-bones website strictly for keeping my progress available to the public like it was, but I realized it was going to take too much time I do not have.
Instead, I'm going to keep a journal entry stickied at the very top on my LiveJournal that I can update with thumbnails and previews by commission type and per individual. I figure this would be a faster way for me to keep the info online and for those curious clients to Ctrl+F (Find) their section and all of the info pertaining to them therein.

Life Changes


I'm still working at the same Ophthalmology office since August 2011. It has been a very difficult learning experience for me. I've been learning primarily through my errors and had my 90 day review around Thanksgiving when I was told I wasn't as far ahead as they had hoped. My biggest handicap was having no background in medical assisting, so I've had to allocate all of my attention to learning medical terminology used in the office and memorize the procedures. I was told I had a couple of weeks to improve or they would have to let me go. Well, I managed to do better, and while I still don't feel secure in my position, there's no immediate threat to let me go. I'm still fine tuning my speed with patients, but overall my performance has improved.

I take my job very seriously because my mistakes can interfere with the timely care of patients in our busy office, sometimes seeing 80 patients a day when both doctors are in. The pressure is astronomical sometimes trying to keep up with the more experienced techs there, proving my worth as the "new kid on the block", accommodating special needs patients and easing the fears of people who are simply nervous about being in a medical office.

I feel a lot of anxiety because I feel like I don't belong in Ophthalmology or the medical field and recently I've begun to break out in very itchy patches of skin, namely on the tops of my hands. I know I'm worrying too much, but I have so much to lose right now.

I have 16 payments left on my college loan, then that monthly payment will get thrown at my 6-year car payment. I'm considering cancelling my cell phone because I don't even use it anymore except for the random text or chat with mom. That would save me about $50 per month.

Home Life


At the start of January 2012, my boyfriend drove all the way from El Paso, Texas to live with me.
I flew for the first time to meet his family from April 28th to May 7th in 2011. We've dated long distance previously in 2003 and 2004 after first meeting online in 2002, then drifted apart after we broke up. I moved to New York in 2006 and things didn't really work out for me there with the partner I've known since 1997. I needed to know if I was truly happy with my first partner to commit myself forever, realized I was not and reached back out to James in my darkest hour. He and I have been close ever since.

I was unemployed from August 2006 until November 2010, moved back and forth between New York twice and went for counseling for depression in 2009. After I began working again in 2010 things have been looking up. That job helped me to get my foot in the door with the medical office I work at now and that steady income permitted me to get financed for a newer used car when my 1991 Honda Accord began to give up the ghost.

I still have a lot of emotional issues to work through - such as my anxiety and self-loathing - but James gives me a lot of emotional support even when I don't want to hear it, haha. We talk about everything, work through it and I feel like I'm in the healthiest and best matched relationship I've ever been in.

This is the second time I've lived with a partner and the first time ever being allowed to do so in my childhood home.
I wanted to move to James and live in El Paso for personal reasons, but I couldn't afford the expense of moving. He purchased his first car in June 2011, so his savings were also depleted. We made the decision to not to spend any money on plane fare and went without seeing one another in person for 8 months. We kept saving during that time until he had enough to pay for his cross-country move to me.

Throughout January we spent time cleaning, painting and rearranging furniture between my bro's old room and my own to have a separate computer/work room from our bedroom. For now we're using a twin and a twin XL bed side by side until we can afford a larger bed.

It's definitely a big change for us. Money got a little tight for me before he started working, but is manageable again. We each split the house bills three ways with my grandmother who also lives here. James and I split the FIOS 50/50 because we're the only two who use it. We each pay for our own college loans, cell bills and car payments and gas. Groceries are split 50/50, but sometimes we'll treat each other to special snacks every now and then. I'm very impatient about getting an apartment for just the two of us, but we can't do it yet.

Are we going to get married? Yes, but I'm not in any hurry and there are no proposals yet. James is the only guy I don't freak over the thought of being his Wife. I've had a great phobia of marriage since my parents divorce when I was 2, but I'm finally old enough to realize that marriages don't always end up that way. We're both agnostic and want to get married because we're devoted to one another. (He's actually gunning for marriage more so than I am, haha.) It makes me happy that he treasures our relationship and makes me feel special. His compassion for me is profound and sometimes I have to check my pulse when he gazes at me.

Our one year anniversary comes up on May 1st.


Anthrocon 2012


James and I will be attending together - rooming with ShujinTribble and Verm at the main hotel, the Westin. This will be his first furry convention ever, but I know he'll have a great time. He's very friendly and personable - very easy to strike up a conversation with. I know there's going to be a lot of laughing and shenanigans with Verm and Shujin.

I'm really looking forward to the con this year. I plan on being more social and to take more pictures than previous years. (I don't sell anything at the con, I go as an attendee only.)

Conclusion

I know the above was A LOT to read, but it's a brief summary of why my art has been pushed to a back burner and why I've been lost artistically. My entire life is on the road to recovery and I'm becoming more responsible for myself again. I'm working on improving my communication skills with clients and can better identify my limitations.

Thanks again for your attention - more stuff will be coming soon.